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 October 17, 2008, 09:54:49 AM
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Sr. Member
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Posts: 319
Tired..
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started a new medicine few weeks ago but ran out last week, and finally got the prescription filled today after a week of not taking it. that was stupid. now i'm freaking wired. cant sleep at all.
and of course all i do when i cant sleep is think. about what you might ask? well, the only thing there is to think about! the search for a cause. the endless, exhaustive search for a reason for 3 years of hell. sometimes i start asking myself if all of this is real. maybe it's just in my head. i mean, i know there is something wrong with me, due to the physical signs. but is it causing all the emotional and psychological problems i've experienced? or am i just a headcase. i'm constantly going back and forth on this issue. since my physical symptoms are in no way life threatening or altering. cloudy and red urine, and some acute gi problems? whoop-de-doo... i ignored them for 6 months no problem until the psych stuff happened. its just, without a diagnosis, theres always this conflict. IF i have an illness that effects my mental status. what the hell am i supposed to do in the meantime? if it's illness anything i do in terms of lifestyle and such wont do anything. but then theres the other idea, well yes there is something wrong, but maybe it's not causing the mental status. so then i start analyzing my life, trying to change my life style, change myself, trying to do things that could make me happy, try to learn from everything. but then its like, but if the illness is the cause, then changing things is just going to make me lose myself and make things worse. and i can never convince myself one way or the other.
but the things i have realized is that, i am unwilling to accept the abrupt mental change to illness. not because i dont think its true. on the contrary logically its the only thing that makes sense. but if i were to accept it, its like i'd be giving up control. it's horrible feeling depressed and confused for no reason at all. it goes against everything feeling that way. but if there is no reason, then there is nothing i can do except sit here and feel bad. and i just cant do it. i cant. even though its the only explanation that makes any sense, until a diagnosis and treatment. i'm SOL.
so i find myself questioning every aspect of my life. trying to change every part of it as if it the reason. even though i know its not, and they are not changes i really want, there's solace in having atleast the idea of a reason. or the thought of being in control. an enemy you know is soo much better than one you dont. and when you cant find the real one, i find it easier to deal with to just make one up.
but then.. i cant tell if im making them up sometimes, maybe they are real, but then that doesnt make sense and... sigh..
3 years ago i was fine. then one day in a span of about 3 seconds, my whole world flipped. all i was doing was walking to class. nothing happened, i wasnt thinking about anything, wasnt talking to anyone, just listening to music. i felt this wave of depression come over me. its the same feeling i got when my girlfriend broke up with me, or when my sister died. that sick to your stomach depression. except a hundred times more intense then when even my sister died. but nothing fucking happened. it felt like a part of my soul died that day. i dont get it. i dont understand what happened. i was fine one moment, and 3 seconds later i thought i was gonna throw up. i dont get it. and i dont know what to do.
it's driven me insane soo many times, and i just dont know where to turn. i find myself praying for some new physical symptom. something a little more... i dunno, serious? to get more attention to me i guess? my battery is dying.. i gotta go. good night... or morning actually..
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If you have to ask, you are not ready to know -
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October 20, 2008, 06:15:47 AM
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Group: Administrator
VIP Member
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Posts: 921
I Will Be Diagnosed !
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arrr Jason-son  Trust your own body. We are all unhealthy and undiagnosed, and just because we are UNDIAGNOSED doesn't mean it's all in our heads (or yours) :) Be strong we are all here for you, sorry I cant do anything for you, if I could I would xxxxxx Samantha The red urine you would think doctors would look at closer..... How long since you have mentioned this to your doctor??
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October 24, 2008, 07:44:26 PM
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I hope to get through this whole thread later, but for now, I'll just mention that besides my nervous system jolting me all the time, I also can't sleep because of nightly nightmares about people not listening and misunderstanding, usually my family. I have nightmares about the family about five nights out of every seven. I had one a few hours ago. Often I lose the sunglasses or my father takes the light barrier off the window, always I get into these Twilight Zone like exchanges where I go around and around in a circle with them and no matter what I say, I can't make the slightest bit of headway with them.
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"You're better than normal! You're ABnormal!"-- Fry to Leela, who's self-conscious about her single eye, Futurama
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November 01, 2008, 07:44:32 AM
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me too man, i wish i had some ideas. but photophobia is definitely a real symptom! your doctors are dummies. :P
Well, they're all dummies then. You've obviously experienced the medical label of "photophobia" somewhere, and I suggest strongly that as long as the term "phobia" is involved, the problem is being invalidated. It's not a phobia, and even if some MDs want to claim that "photophobia" is a legitimate term, it's not, and it distorts and denies the condition. I'm not neurotically afraid of light. Why would I be? What is there to be afraid of concerning light?
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"You're better than normal! You're ABnormal!"-- Fry to Leela, who's self-conscious about her single eye, Futurama
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November 01, 2008, 04:45:42 PM
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Sr. Member
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Tired..
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well.. photophobia is what it's called! but in this context it doesnt mean "afraid" of light. i know it uses the same term, but it def has to do with the eyes recieving too much light and it causes pain, discomfort or whatever either by the iris not constricting, the retna absorbing too much, or bacterial infection like meningitis or something. it sucks that they dont call it something else.
so yes, if the doctor doesnt know the difference between fear of light, and pain because of light, then they are dummies :D
sigh.. they all seem to be dummies.. :(
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If you have to ask, you are not ready to know -
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November 05, 2008, 05:57:13 PM
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well.. photophobia is what it's called! but in this context it doesnt mean "afraid" of light.
I just heard someone named Kathleen Hall Jamieson on television say "Language does our thinking for us." I'm fully aware that the term is not supposed to indicate fear of light, to some doctors at least. The term indicates and strengthens a prejudice on the part of doctors, though. Analogy: If, say, there was a long-standing custom that patients were referred to as "idiots" even by doctors who had nothing against patients and just used the word because it was traditional, it would still be wrong to call patients that and the tradition should be stopped. Some doctors could claim the word "idiots" in a medical context no longer indicates anything bad. The word would never have entered their everyday vocabulary if many doctors didn't have that prejudice though. There's no excuse for the word. Same with "phobia". It's a nightmare trying to get a doctor to avoid making the judgment that a patient who has a light sensitivity just has some neurotic phobia, so we should not go along with prejudicial language that encourages that attitude.
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"You're better than normal! You're ABnormal!"-- Fry to Leela, who's self-conscious about her single eye, Futurama
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