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 December 15, 2008, 06:53:17 AM
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Jr. Member
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Posts: 67
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:'( Hey there. It's been a lousy day. I've been hurting all day and I don't want to take any more pain meds. I feel like a bum. I lie around more and more it seems like. I have less energy and flat no enthusiasm for all the things I used to love. I feel like I want to cry, but can't. I have that wicked pain behind my eyes but no tears will come. I'm taking the Effexor antidepressant, and it helps a little bit... but... :signs131
please don't all jump on me for this, but do you ever have a moment of just wishing you were dead? Sucidal thoughts? When I was younger, I tried a couple of times to off myself, and at one point I was a "cutter". I play with the idea of saying "bugger it all, I quit"... I have days when I wonder why I didn't die any of the times I tried. I came very close more than once, a few minutes more before I was discovered and it would have been too late to help me.
I'm not actually going to do it, so please do not panic.
Just wondering if others are in the same boat from time to time... :signs002
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December 15, 2008, 09:23:37 AM
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Full Member
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I understand well the hard position one is in, when backed into a corner and forced to consider ending everything. That's a time when you absolutely need to be able to talk about it, but people generally don't deal with hearing that sort of thing very well. First, they usually just assume that there's no understandable reason for thinking this way, ever, no matter how bad the situation is (from having lived in a life of options). They think it must be a mental aberration, and they say life is worth living, etc., as if some irrational mood just came over you.
In these encounters, all people seem to care about is whether you're about to charge off and end it all. Once they're satisfied that you're not doing that, their concern tends to evaporate, as if the problem's solved. Well, it isn't. The problem is the intolerable circumstance that was forcing one to start thinking of suicide. That still remains. That's the thing others ought to be concerned with.
All this can make one feel incredibly alone.
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"You're better than normal! You're ABnormal!"-- Fry to Leela, who's self-conscious about her single eye, Futurama
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December 15, 2008, 11:30:03 PM
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Jr. Member
Gender:
Posts: 67
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You guys both nailed it so squarely on the head. Alone and lonely. And people just don't get it, or worse, they don't want to. They tell you, "Oh, you'd feel better if you went out more" Well, I'd love to but I fucking CAN'T. Not just don't want to but am physically incapable of doing so. A lot of us lose so many friends because we're "no fun anymore". Some bloody friends...
I understand how it feels with the family side as well. I flat don't speak to anyone in my family anymore but my grandfater on dad's side (Papa), my Auntie Neva, and my mom. I don't have any blood siblings, but I do have other grand parents and my dad and his new wife and the step siblings... but it's a waste of my time. They don't care, or like you, they think I am making it up.
My mom gets it because her husband has prostate cancer, very advanced. He just had one of those "pain pumps" installed in him last month.
Papa gets it because Nona was so sick for a few years before she died and he cared for her.
My Auntie gets it because she nursed her husband through his final stages of cancer at home a few years ago, and also she and I have a very freaky close connection. I don't even have to tell her I'm hurting, she just knows. Like she'll call me and want to know how long since my last pain pill and then tell me to stop trying to be "tough" and take the damned thing!! Weird, but strangely comforting too.
The depression just kinda gets to you and you feel alone and helpless and worse, you start to feel hopeless. You don't have pain because you are depressed - you get depressed because you have the pain! And the more it hurts, the deeper you sink and it's a nasty cycle. Meds can only help so much.
With me, and I'm sure with a lot of you as well, I can't have a normal relationship anymore. At least, not romantic. I crave touch and comfort, like someone brushing my hair or stroking my back, you know, little things. A hug even. But I can't do the sex part. It's painful, and I have no libido at all. And, ok, let's call a spade a spade here, I was raped 3x when I was younger - it's interesting how that experience (even once let alone 3x) tends to make people either completely "don't touch me!" or well, the exact opposite of that. Let's just say I was not the "don't touch me!" kind of girl and leave it at that. When I was single and alone, I had battery operated boyfriends. And I'm not ashamed of that, nor should I be. But at this point, they're covered in dust in the bottom of a drawer, long ignored and not wanted. Not interested doesn't even begin to cover it.
And when you say "I was thinking about killing myself", people totally do that panic thing and make sure you won't really do it and then fade back away in a day or two like it never came up at all. And being alone and scared makes our minds start to warp a little bit. I know that we feel pain far differently than others do. Our 3 or 4 on the scale would knock most people on their backside for a week, but that's just "normal" to us. We function as best we can, as long as we can... until one day... we can't anymore. Or we just flat don't want to try. I think it's worse for those of us with no answers, because well.. how can you be "sick" if the doctors can't find anything?! *snort* 20 years of education and they are still PRACTICING medicine? WTF is THAT about?!?
I know this is a really morbid thread, but I just needed to vent a little bit. I love you guys. I'm glad you put up with me.
:smitten:
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December 16, 2008, 09:34:04 AM
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Group: Administrator
VIP Member
Gender:
Posts: 919
I Will Be Diagnosed !
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Even though we have each other to chat with, WE ARE STILL ALONE :'( Scarlett don't be so hard on yourself sweetie, look at what you have to deal with day in and day out, it's the hardest thing I think we'll ever go through. Give yourself some credit, and then cry and then give yourself some more credit for how god dam tough you are to be dealing with it. Don't let Doctor's, family, friends, anyone make you feel less of a person, they have no freakin idea what it's like. Can't say I've ever had those terrible thoughts, but got pretty bad when I had a burst appendix and no-one would believe something was wrong with me, night after night, the pain sent me crazy, smashing shoes into walls and yelling and screaming, emergency sent me home 3 times over a month with panadol. I wasn't having Sucidal thoughts but I was thinking of terrible things I could do to the freakin Doctors who thought I was just a pain in the arse and nothing was wrong with me.. Scarlett we don't "put up with you" we " understand" :) (to some extent anyway) what your going through and so glad you found us.  Besides the health problems you've had a tough run in life too. xxxxx Sammy
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