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SO this week has been pretty evil. I had to leave work at noon yesterday because I was in so much pain I cojuld barely breathe. I bit my lower lip as I was driving home to try to focus on something ese, and I ended up biting too deep. I drew blood both inside and out.
I took my 4 percosets, an Ambien, 3 muscle relaxers and a Xanex to knock myself out. I dreamed a really freaky dream.
I dreampt that I had broken a window. I was cleaning up the glass and I picked up a pretty good sized piece. I thought to myself, "Hmm.. I know a way to MAKE the doctors fix me." Then I took the glass and jammed it as hard as I could into my lower belly. I cut my hand as I did it.
Then I woke up in blinding pain and had to go throw up from it. I hate that. Vomiting makes your whole body tense, which makes the pain worse, so you throw up again.
I took 4 more percosets and went back to bed.
I went to work today, was barely functioning. I have a bloody desk job, I work in the world of email. I know it's a bad day when it takes all my concentration to type what should be a simple answer to a question.
I've noticed that I smoke more when the pain is bad. Maybe to try and distract myself??
I'm on the Effexor up to 225mg a day but I am still depressed. I cry over stupid silly things, and I don't want to be around people. I just want to curl up in my bed with my kitties and sleep.
I know I am whining, bitching, and complaining but I feel so freaking frustrated today.
Thanks for listening to me.
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